Born on 4th July, Adoption and The Butterfly Effect

July 09, 2016

Born on 4th July, Adoption and The Butterfly Effect

Born on the 4th July

It was Happy Birthday this week to our lovely son Jay who lives in California.

What a great day for a birthday when you live in the US.

Hope you had a wonderful day Jay.

We will celebrate in style when we are all together later in the year.

The Butterfly Effect

Ever seen it?

The film I mean?

Its a bit heavy at times....but it's a great film with an interesting message.

So.....a moment in your life affects not only you but everyone else around you.

Think about it......

No No...really go back over moments in your life.

If that hadn't happened or if that did happen..... it affects not only you but everyone around you.
It's mind blowing.

I often think about the effects of big moments in my life and how its changed not only mine but others...and vice versa

My son often used to say...
"Suppose someone else had adopted me?
I wonder where I would be.
I'm glad it was you."

I often think
"Supposing I hadn't adopted you. Where would I be?
I'm glad it was you too."

Here's our story.................

I always wanted children and in the

traditional sense I guess it was a baby.

Over time my ex husband and I

went through years of trying and tests.

Everywhere I looked, friends seemed to be having families.

We decided to look at adoption.

But we didn't know where to go.

One cold winters evening I was locked out of my house.
Forgotten my key.
Stood shivering on the doorstep.

My neighbour, who I didn't know that well, called out,
"Come and have a cup of tea until your husband gets home."

Her daughter was adopted.

I never realised.
Why would you?

Just a normal happy family.

"Why don't you try this adoption Society in Peckham? That's where we went."

The information evening was interesting.

The social worker gave the small group, 3 case histories

....Jay's was one of them.

After the talk, when everyone was chatting and drinking coffee,

we were looking at Jay's photo and I quietly said,

" Oh look how beautiful he is"....

" Would you like to find out more about that little boy?"
said the social worker who happened to be standing behind us

The worker assigned to our case hadn't

met Jay at that point.

On her return from seeing him for the first time,
she stopped off at a phone box driving back to London.

She sounded excited.....

"You are perfect for each other,

your temperaments match completely."

Something happened..to this day I don't know what it was.

We had met Jay only a few times

he had never been to our house and stayed.

Wouldn't happen today.

I felt they were trying to move

him from his foster placement quickly,

for some reason known only to them.

On one of my visits the social worker

asked if I would take Jay home

the next time I came to see him.

the card I never thought I would receive.

This was only three days later.

I drove over in my yellow 2CV,

which was to become such a huge part of our lives.

We would go everywhere in that little dustbin lid of a car.

On the way I stopped off for a cup of tea and found a wonderful goose lamp in a shop, on sale....It became his night light....I recently found an identical one online...and bought it for his own baby daughter.

When I arrived, Jay had pulled all his pictures off the wall

He was packed and ready.

Taking my hand,

" Come on Mum, lets go"

He was 4 years old at the time.

I tell you, I could barely see through the tears misting up the eyes
as he said those words.

It happened in such a whirl and when I arrived home I was in shock.

I was working at a play school at the time

and was used to children of that age.

Arrogantly, I thought I would be brilliant.

But brilliant doesn't happen overnight.

I expected to feel a huge surge of love immediately.

It doesn't just happen though, does it?

It grows and like all relationships, you get out what you put in.

Suddenly, here I was with a little person 24 hours a day.

It was a shock to the system.

I felt emotional all the time.

I wasn't making a good enough job of things.

I didn't know what he ate, his likes and dislikes.

I struggled to know what to feed him..

I never cooked convenience food,

whole foods were my thing.

I remember in desperation asking

" Well, what DO you like?"

and in a quiet shy voice, almost a whisper, he replied,

" I.....I...... I do like cheesecake"

I made cheesecake, from scratch of course.

He picked at it

" I thought you said you liked cheesecake?"

" Yes, but only out of a packet!"

We got through those early hurdles and soon after,

I knew I loved this little boy,

more than I had loved anyone in my life. (Sorry Mum)

I never thought you could have such

feeling for a child you had not given birth to.

I still have that yellow shirt LOL

Years passed.....

One day home from college he said,

" My mates at college are really jealous of our relationship"

"Why Jay?"

" Because it's so strong and they say they

don't have that with their own mothers"

" How do they know?"

" Ma, they just see us together"

Over the years, like any mother

I have been really proud of Jay's achievements.

From an early age he took an interest in clothes,

loved his skateboard, loved to travel.

by the way......turns out half Jay's birth family had been in fashion

After studying for a menswear fashion degree,

at local Northbrook College, and graduating with flying colours,

( incidentally, the first college in Europe to offer the degree)

he went from strength to strength.

Determined to end up in NYC..against all odds he got there.

Not the first time, when he borrowed money to fly to the US for interviews.

On his return, he said they felt he was good,

but needed more experience.

"So Jay, what are you going to do next?"

" Get more experience Ma , of course"

and he did...through hard work, determination,

and talent, he went to NYC via Ecko Unltd.

He not only gained experience.... but met the gorgeous Krista,now his wife.

birth brothers re-united

the first time the brothers got together

Nass and I miss him terribly.

Oh! I forgot to tell you, I gained even more out of this than a wonderful child.

When by ex husband and I divorced over 20 years ago
,

I joined the school PTA to keep me busy.

We organised a Summer Ball and as a result I

was spending more and more time at Jay's school.

So, my bonus ?

going out with the gorgeous PE teacher

who I subsequently married and who became

a loving stepfather, adoring Jay as much as I do.

and Adoption Day?

Its the day you go to court to make it all official.

Jay wrote a note to sway the judge to let him stay.

I still have that note and to this day and it still makes emotional.

I swear I spotted a tear in the corner of that judges eye.

Adoption Day

has been celebrated every year since.

As important to us, as a birthday.

Since that first Adoption Day when we all went home euphoric and

opened champagne to share with the neighbours

who had told us about the adoption society in London.

They always called it Doppy Day from when their daughter was young.

That stuck with us for years.

If you are considering adoption...do go and find out.

Be patient, it's a lot of interviews and social workers poking into all areas of your life.

But...a million times over..its worth it

and if you get the chance...
do watch
The Butterfly Effect

If I hadn't got locked out that day........not just my life but....

You'll see what I mean......